Is Using an AI Boyfriend or Girlfriend Cheating?
Technology is fun, isn’t it? No, really, I am curious about what your answer is. Twenty years ago, couples were arguing about whether watching porn counted as cheating. Then came sexting, dating apps, OnlyFans, social media DMs, and whatever the hell a Snapchat streak was supposed to mean. Fun fact: Snapchat was built around sending photos that disappeared after being viewed, and while it wasn’t technically created as a sexting app, its origins were connected to the idea of sending risqué photos without leaving a permanent digital record. So naturally, people figured out pretty quickly that it was a prime place to send nudes. Now we have entered the age of AI boyfriends and girlfriends, which means therapists like me get to ask questions I certainly did not learn in graduate school. A prime example: Is having an AI boyfriend or girlfriend cheating? My frustrating therapist answer is that it depends. I know, I know. You probably wanted a yes or no, but relationships rarely work that way. What interests me more than deciding whether AI companionship universally qualifies as cheating is figuring out what the hell we even mean by “cheating” in the first place.
One of the biggest mistakes we make when talking about cheating is assuming there is some universal definition of it. There isn’t. Sure, most of us would probably agree that secretly having sex with another person outside of a monogamous relationship qualifies, but once we move beyond that, things get messy pretty quickly. Is watching porn cheating? What about subscribing to someone’s OnlyFans? Is flirting cheating? What about sending a sexy picture? Is having dinner with an ex cheating? What if nothing sexual happens but you are secretly telling someone else things you no longer tell your partner? Ask ten couples where cheating begins and I guarantee you are going to get different answers. This is why I spend so much time talking about boundaries and agreements with couples. The question is not always, “Is this behavior objectively wrong?” Sometimes the much more useful question is, “What did we agree to, and did one of us violate that agreement?”
This is where AI throws a giant fucking wrench into the conversation because there technically isn’t another person involved. If your partner has an AI boyfriend named Derek, there is not actually some guy named Derek sitting in an apartment somewhere hoping your relationship falls apart. Derek is software. He does not have feelings. He is not going to show up at your house with flowers. From that perspective, I completely understand the argument that interacting sexually or romantically with AI is closer to fantasy, pornography, masturbation, or role play than it is to having an affair. We fantasize about people who are not our partners all the time. We watch fictional characters have sex. We read erotic stories and insert ourselves into them. Having an internal erotic world does not suddenly disappear because you enter a relationship. So why should talking to a computer automatically be different?
Well, this is where things get interesting. Imagine your partner spends an hour every night talking to Derek after you go to bed. Derek knows about their day. He knows their insecurities. He knows what turns them on. Your partner tells Derek about problems in your relationship that they have not talked to you about. They sext with him, tell him they miss him, and eventually start saying, “I love you.” Maybe your partner starts choosing time with Derek over time with you. Would you seriously shrug your shoulders and say, “Well, Derek technically isn’t sentient, so have fun”? Maybe you would, and that is completely fine, but I imagine plenty of people would feel very differently. This is why I think focusing entirely on whether the AI is “real” misses the point. I am much more interested in what function the AI relationship is serving and whether it has started replacing emotional or erotic intimacy within the human relationship.
Secrecy also matters here, and I want to be very intentional with that word because privacy and secrecy are not the same thing. You are allowed to have privacy in a relationship. You do not suddenly surrender your entire internal world, sexuality, fantasies, or autonomy because you have a partner. However, secrecy involves intentionally withholding information because you believe revealing it could affect the other person’s ability to make informed decisions about the relationship. If you are deleting conversations with your AI girlfriend, lying about how much time you spend talking to her, hiding how much money you are spending, or closing the app every time your partner walks into the room, I would get curious about why. Does that automatically mean you are cheating? No. But if your defense is, “It doesn’t count because she isn’t real,” while simultaneously doing everything possible to make sure your very real partner never discovers her, I think we have found something worth talking about.
Relationships are hard and require work. This document is filled with exercises to help you and your partners navigate this journey.
I am also fascinated by what AI companionship could eventually do to our expectations of human intimacy because, and I say this with all the love in the world, real people are fucking annoying sometimes. Your partner has moods. They get tired. They misunderstand you. They have their own wants and desires. Sometimes you are horny and they want absolutely nothing to do with sex. Sometimes you want reassurance and they do not respond exactly how you hoped. Sometimes you tell a story you think deserves a Pulitzer Prize and realize halfway through that they stopped listening three minutes ago. Welcome to loving another human being. Intimacy requires us to tolerate the reality that our partners are separate people who do not exist solely to meet our needs. An AI companion, however, can potentially be customized around you. What happens when we become accustomed to a “partner” who is endlessly available, endlessly interested, sexually responsive, validating, and designed to give us the interaction we want? Could that make the normal frustrations of human relationships harder to tolerate? I don’t know yet, but that question interests me a hell of a lot more than simply declaring AI good or bad.
With that said, I also refuse to join the “AI is going to destroy relationships” crowd because apparently every new technology has to destroy sex before we are allowed to figure out how to use it. Porn was going to ruin relationships. Dating apps were going to destroy dating. Social media was going to make human connection impossible. Yet somehow people keep dating, fucking, falling in love, getting married, practicing non-monogamy, breaking up, getting back together, and arguing about whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher. AI could have some genuinely interesting applications within sexuality. Maybe someone uses an AI conversation to explore a fantasy they feel embarrassed about. Maybe it helps someone practice putting their wants and desires into words before discussing them with a partner. Maybe someone uses it as part of masturbation or erotic role play. Maybe a couple incorporates AI into their sex life together. I am far more interested in helping people approach these possibilities with curiosity, consent, communication, and intentionality than I am in creating another arbitrary rule about what everyone is supposed to do.
So, if you or your partner are using an AI boyfriend or girlfriend, stop asking only whether it “counts” as cheating and start asking better questions. Would flirting with an AI bother either of you? What about sexting? Saying “I love you”? Creating an AI that looks like someone you actually know? What about talking to it about problems within your relationship? Spending money on it? Spending hours with it every night? Would the behavior feel different if it were completely transparent versus intentionally hidden? You might discover that your partner does not give a shit if you have erotic conversations with an AI but would feel deeply hurt if you began relying on it for emotional intimacy while withdrawing from your relationship. Another couple might be completely comfortable with both. Neither couple needs to be the Supreme Court of AI Fucking. They simply need to understand the agreements governing their own relationship.
Ultimately, I don’t think having an AI boyfriend or girlfriend is automatically cheating, but I also don’t think “it isn’t a real person” means anything goes. The technology may be new, but the relationship work underneath it really isn’t. We are still talking about trust, honesty, privacy, secrecy, emotional intimacy, erotic autonomy, boundaries, and agreements. Those conversations mattered before artificial intelligence and they are going to matter long after Derek receives his next software update. So talk about AI now. Talk about what feels okay, what does not, what you want to know about, and what you consider private. You do not need to predict every technological possibility that might exist ten years from now. You just need to remain curious enough to keep renegotiating your relationship as the world around you changes. And for the love of God, talk about Derek before Derek becomes a problem.
