Boundaries vs. Rules: What’s the Difference and Why It Matters
Let’s be honest, boundaries and rules often get thrown into the same bucket, but they serve completely different purposes. If you’re trying to build a relationship that’s rooted in respect, autonomy, and actual emotional safety (not performative “we’re fine” safety), understanding the difference is essential.
Let’s Start with Boundaries
Boundaries are about you.
They’re how you honor your needs, your values, and your emotional safety. They’re statements of self-responsibility, not ultimatums. A boundary doesn’t control your partner, it lets them know you better, and it tells them how to be in a relationship with you in a way that feels good.
Examples of boundaries:
“If I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’ll need some time alone to recharge.”
“If I’m not comfortable engaging sexually, I’ll let you know and ask for a pause.”
“If I feel dismissed or criticized, I’ll bring it up in the moment or take space until I can do so calmly.”
“If I notice I’m getting jealous, I’ll take time to explore it before making assumptions or accusations.”
Boundaries are empowering. They say, “This is how I’ll take care of myself.”
Moving on to Rules
Rules are about the other person or the relationship.
They’re often rooted in fear, insecurity, or a need for control. Rules can sometimes start from a valid emotional place (i.e. "I’m afraid of being hurt again"), but instead of sitting with that fear, they try to manage it by controlling someone else’s behavior.
Examples of rules:
“You’re not allowed to hang out one-on-one with anyone you’ve dated.”
“You have to text me every hour when you’re out.”
“You can only sleep with someone else if I’m there watching.”
“You’re not allowed to fall in love with someone else.”
Rules aren’t always “bad,” but they often shut down dialogue instead of opening it up. They may give a short-term illusion of safety, but they rarely build real trust.
Why This Matters
In monogamous relationships, rules can often sneak in under the guise of “normal” relationship expectations. You might hear things like:
“You can’t follow sexy people on Instagram.”
“You need to check in with me before making any big decisions.”
“If you go out without me, I’ll get mad.”
Monogamy isn’t the issue here. The issue is when we view monogamy as a script of silent, assumed rules that no one ever actually agreed to. When we use boundaries instead of unspoken rules, we start talking about what commitment, trust, and support actually look like for each person. That’s how we unlearn the toxic “ownership model” of love.
In polyamorous or open relationships, the line between rules and boundaries can get even more blurry, because yes, structure is necessary. But structure should be collaborative, not controlling.
A rule like “you can’t see anyone else more than twice a week” might feel like a helpful container. But what happens when it’s not meeting anyone’s needs anymore? Does it change, or does it become a rigid wall?
That’s where boundaries become more sustainable. Instead of, “You’re not allowed to have sex with anyone new,” try, “If you’re starting a new connection, I’d like to talk about it so I can process anything that’s coming up for me.” That invites dialogue, not restriction.
Polyamory also brings up a lot of feelings (i.e. jealousy, insecurity, fear of being left out). Rules can be tempting because they feel like armor. But boundaries are more like a compass: they guide us through hard moments without cutting people off from their freedom or dignity.
So What Should You Do?
You are allowed to feel insecure. You are allowed to have big, messy, anxious feelings. That’s part of being in relationships, especially ones that challenge traditional norms.
But instead of reacting by trying to control the other person, pause. Get curious. Ask yourself:
“What do I need in this moment to feel safe and grounded, and how can I take responsibility for that?”
Rules might feel easier in the short term. But boundaries? Boundaries build relationships that actually last.
Want a quick activity to explore the difference in your own relationship? Try writing down a list of “rules” you’ve held, spoken or unspoken, and see if you can reframe them as boundaries. It’s a powerful shift, and it starts with you.
