People always ask me for advice on how to be better in bed. So, let's talk about it! Being good in bed has nothing to do with the size of a penis or the shape of a person's body. If you are focusing too much on perception and performance, you may be missing some serious cues from your partner. So what makes someone good in bed? Well, the answer may be more common than you think.
Let's start with a no-brainer. Consenting sex is the only sex we should be having. Even for those who find consensual non-consent (CNC) appealing, you are still consenting to the scene. Not only does this make you good in bed, but it makes you good for the planet. Consent is more than just agreeing to intimacy. Consent is a continued conversation that takes place before, during, and after a sexual encounter. So don't be afraid to check in the next time you are doing the deed.
Not only does eye contact go a long way, but showing your partner that you are listening and giving them attention can create a secure attachment during a sexual encounter. Try this the next time you are having sex: Tell your partner that you want to hear three ways they want you to please them, and then follow through. You can thank me later.
Most people can become mute during intimacy. Seriously. Their minds may be focusing too much on the experience and they can just get caught up in the dopamine rush. Checking in shows your partner that you care about their enjoyment. Now I am not saying you need to do this every 30 seconds, but once or twice during an encounter goes a long way.
Being open to trying new actions and activities shows your partner that you are willing to be vulnerable and connect with them through an unknown experience. So follow this rule of thumb: try things three times. The first time could be your fault, not being there mentally. The second time could be your partner's fault, not knowing what to do. Finally, if you don't like it the third time, you have sufficiently tried it and don’t have to anymore.
And finally, all of this leads up to the number one tip that makes you a great lover and that is simply caring about the other person’s pleasure. People report that they typically have the best sex when they feel safe and connected to their partners. Everyone involved wants to feel good and we can make that happen. So if you care about your partner’s experience, you are well on your way to getting a 5-star review.
All of these tips may sound simple. What makes you great in bed is not how many tricks and techniques you know, or how good you are at oral sex. It is how attuned you are to your and your partner’s pleasure. If all else fails remember this, the more communication that takes place, the better the encounter.
Cleveland Sex Therapy is owned by Matt Lachman, a licensed professional clinical counselor and certified sex and relationship therapist who specializes in working with individuals, couples, and polyam folx on their concerns relating to sexuality, intimacy, and overall sexual health. The goal of Cleveland Sex Therapy is to promote inclusivity and nurture sex positivity. For more information, feel free to contact him at Matt@ClevelandSexTherapy.com