Five Ways to Be More Sex Positive
Updated: Mar 28, 2022
Our world is filled with so much shame around human sexuality. Here are five ways to break free from it.
The number one topic I deal with on a daily basis as a certified sex and relationship therapist is sex negativity. No matter if I am talking to a client, reading an article online, or watching a television show, sex negativity is everywhere. In short, sex negativity can be defined as viewing sex as bad, dirty, wrong, shameful, and sinful. Erotophobia, or the fear of sex, is present everywhere we turn. So how do we go about fighting back against this never-ending onslaught of fear and shame?
Below is a list of five actions you can start doing now that will help reshape your mind to being more sex positive and start creating change.
Tip #1 - Internal Reflection/Exploration
It is hard for us to engage with our sexuality. We live in a culture that idealizes certain body types and erotic imagery for marketing and media but shuts down productive sexual health conversations and sources for care. It is NORMAL to not know where to begin when it comes to exploring your own sexuality. How would you? We are taught that our sexuality is linear when in reality, we are complex human beings who have many desires and attractions.
I have attached a document that will help you dig a little deeper into what it means to be a sexual human being. Allow these introspective questions to guide you as you begin your journey towards discovering your sexual self.
Tip #2 - Read, Read, and Read Some More.
Not everyone wants to read. Some people find it to be boring or dull and while I completely understand that, I think it is crucial when facilitating behavior change. Think about it, we have learned a lot of our sex-negative messaging from what we have read growing up, whether in spiritual material, sex education courses, or magazines in the local grocery store. Most humans tend to be visual learners so reading is one of the best ways to challenge preexisting thought. Below you will find a list of books and authors that I read when I started my journey towards becoming more sex positive. These authors are experts in their respective fields and provide thought-provoking topics that I think will challenge the previous, sex negative notions you may hold.
Beginner Basics
The Ethical Slut by Hardy & Easton
Rebel Love by Dr. Chris Donaghue
The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay by Reilly & Stewart
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell
Deep Dives
Polysecure by Jessica Fern
The Guide to Getting It On By Paul Joannides
The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola
Boxes and How to Fill Them by Kristen Lilla
When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton
"Today, our sexuality is an open-ended personal project; it is part of who we are, an identity, and no longer merely something we do." – Esther Perel
Tip #3 - Follow Sex-Positive Influencers
No matter how hard we try to avoid it, social media continues to run the world. If it isn't Instagram, it is Twitter. If we are sick of YouTube, we go to TikTok. Hell, Facebook is still hanging in there! What is important to remember about all of these platforms is that they have an algorithm. Social media algorithms are a way of sorting posts in a users' feed based on relevancy instead of publishing time. So basically, whenever you like, comment, retweet, favorite, or subscribe, the social media gods put more of that person's content into your newsfeed. Now I am not saying to unfollow your Aunt Sally because she is posting sex-negative articles (well, maybe you should). What I am saying is to ADD more of the following accounts into your feed. Remember, one of the ways we create a sex positive environment is by SURROUNDING ourselves with it. So do yourself a favor and start following these accounts.